A Little Advice About Peer Pressure
Living in the Midwest, it’s common to encounter folks who prefer to avoid conflict. Upsetting people is rarely the goal, which contributes to the reputation those raised in states like Michigan have for friendliness. I like being on the receiving and giving end of friendly, so living here suits me.
Midwestern friendliness sometimes has a less than ideal companion, distrust. If someone is adverse to conflict, friendliness has the potential to lose its kindness and take on the appearance of insincerity or enabling bad circumstances and choices. In short, can you trust what’s being presented as friendliness is genuine? Can you trust that friendly people will set aside the need to be liked and to have peace when moments arise that require constructive objections, awkward confrontations or anger-inspiring accountability?
One of the most frequent compliments I receive from those who know me is along the lines of how well I consistently and objectively raise my voice in the presence of a wrong — no matter who is involved. These compliments are offered in private and often involve confessions related to being afraid to do the same because of social or professional repercussions. Oh boy do I get it. Just because I’ve managed to get comfortable with viewing honesty and accountability as a kindness, doesn’t mean that I don’t agonize over what both might cost in terms of friendships, opportunities and peace.
I found a solution to overcoming hesitations in these instances that works very well for this Midwesterner. Leaning into the concept of needing to be liked and wanting peace — both are true for me — I make a point to surround myself with people who expect me to do the right thing at all times. It’s as simple as that. They expect me to challenge them, others and myself when something can be better. The conflict in my relationships with them, which some may be surprised that I also prefer to avoid, comes when I don’t do the right thing.
It took a while to build a circle of this nature. It required a willingness to let go of those who may not have the same goal. What I have achieved is the confidence to be consistent, honest and measured. I thought it would cost me in the friendly category and it hasn’t. I thought it would sentence me to eternal conflict and it’s lessened the problems I’m directly involved with because I address things before they become a big deal. I thought it would cost me support from others. I’m sure it has with some, but I know I’ve made gains with those who matter most to me. I’m often told people may not always like what I have to say, but they know where they stand with me and where I stand on pretty much everything, including them.
If you are looking for a gift to give yourself this holiday season, I highly recommend acquiring friends and colleagues who will hold you to a high standard as a testament to the esteem they have for you.
