Paper Mirrors

The magnifying mirror rimmed with a bright light in my bathroom has a lot to say to me these days. Get more sleep. Drink more water. Eat less chocolate and more avocados. When did that spot get there? Why so many frown wrinkles?

I’ve yet to adequately prepare for the depth of inspection I experience when I step up to the oval of truth telling. I summon the strength to flip the power switch and lean into its orbit about once a year. What I see — what it tells me — is not a surprise. I know these things on some level, but find them easy to ignore when examinations are brief, from a distance and without the benefit of a bright light to reveal what’s hidden.

I’m not overly worried about my looks, so this isn’t a missive about self-loathing or resisting the realities of nearing a half century of existence. I do care about my health. The mirror tells me things I shouldn’t be ignoring that have everything to do with well being and little to do with vanity. Maybe it would help me to lean into the light more often and reflect on how I’m doing in the categories that influence what I see.

In many ways, my return to blogging represents a commitment to a similar inspection. Words pounded out on paper or a white screen reflect impactful experiences that influence what and how I think. They require a level of transparency that exposes biases and assumptions that, if never examined up close and in the light of a public review, leave me susceptible to unintentional misdeeds and deter personal growth.

My writing process is pretty informal. It usually involves me sitting quietly on a Saturday and waiting for my mind to tell me what it would like to work through. When the words are ready to come out, I let my fingers go to work and find myself wondering what will be revealed when I reach the final punctuation mark of an essay. If I can get it all out in under an hour, I know I’ve picked the right nugget to examine. Pressing publish always makes me nervous. In doing so, I also feel like I’ve managed to make a commitment to a better version of myself.

Though I write for me, I do hope my reflections reveal a person who is striving for truth, balance, fairness, acceptance, accountability, growth and kindness. I hope the mistakes and less-ideal versions of myself that are revealed are a comfort to those wrestling with their own missteps and growth opportunities. I also hope the humor is detectable, because this serious girl also loves to add laughter to the world.