Reciprocity
I had an experience yesterday that I feel compelled to share. There’s an elderly man I frequently encounter who spends most of his time on the streets. It’s obvious his struggles are enormous. That said, he always greets people with a smile. When he’s sober, he recognizes you instantly and talks about missing seeing you at various local events. (He loves the arts and makes a point to get to any outdoor music experiences that are free) He’s not always sober, however. Still, he greets you with a smile and full heart.
When I see him, I make a point to hand him some cash. If I have a $20, that’s what I give him. Whatever he spends it on is his choice, which is important in a reality where most of his choices no longer exist in life. It’s empowering, even if inadequate for his situation.
He always tells me to look him up at specific music events so, if he has cash on hand, he can buy me a treat or beverage. He sincerely wants reciprocity. Most of us do. Despite what may be comfortable to assume about those down on their luck, it rarely becomes a point of pride to take and have no means to give back. The most profound moment for me that brought this point home happened a few years ago while doing outreach work in a local park. A gaunt man wearing soiled clothes with the pride of a peacock approached me to make a donation to the effort. He handed me a pocket-crumpled dollar. It might as well have been a million bucks because I knew that dollar was a significant percentage of his current available funds. For a moment, he wanted to be a giver and not a taker. And he was. I took his dollar and thanked him.
Back to my friend. He got a bit emotional last night saying how he wants to find a way to help ME. I’m glad he brought it up. It gave me the chance to talk to him about currencies. The currency I help him with is cash…the good ole American dollar bill. His currency is different. He pays me in kindness. He pays me in seeing me and others. He pays our community in supporting performing artists with his presence and enthusiasm rain or shine.
I wish we could relieve everyone of the notion reciprocity in the exchange of material things is a means to measure relationships or worth. We all give in different ways. He asked me which currency is more valuable. I told him it depends on the moment. I assured him someone having a hard day because they feel alone, invisible, incapable, pain or a host of other things isn’t going to feel better by me handing them a $20 bill. It’s only valuable for the need it addresses. He needed to eat and he needed transportation, so my $20 mattered at that moment more than my smile. He has value. What he gives to others matters…perhaps even more than my cash. Cash is simple. Especially when you have it to give.
I’m babbling. I’m sharing this because it’s been on my mind since we parted ways last night. Whenever I ‘help’ someone, I try to preserve their dignity, but I don’t often give enough thought to ensuring they have the opportunity to reciprocate with the currency they have available — or acknowledging the reciprocity I observe in the relationship. It matters.
Finally, be kind to those in the throes of poverty, homelessness or addiction. It may be convenient to imagine them as lazy, self-destructive and unapologetic takers, but it’s often not reality. Trauma, physical/mental conditions, lack of family/community relationships and disenfranchisement are often in the mix. Many of us weather the same challenges with different resources & relationships that help us come through those challenges intact.
